The Women I Meet Are Not Lacking Resilience

Intro:When resilience becomes a burden, it often doesn’t look like a crisis. It looks like carrying on. It looks like getting everything done whilst feeling increasingly exhausted underneath. Over the years, I’ve met many women who appear strong, capable and resilient, yet privately describe feeling overwhelmed, disconnected and close to burnout. In this blog, I explore why resilience can sometimes work against us, the cost of always coping, and what I’ve learned from both my clients and my own experience of burnout.

Most of the women I meet are not lacking resilience. In fact, many have been resilient for far too long.

As a therapist, I regularly meet women who describe themselves as tired, overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or simply “running on empty”. They are often managing multiple responsibilities at the same time, balancing work, family life, relationships, caring responsibilities, household tasks, and the invisible mental load that seems to follow them wherever they go.

Despite feeling exhausted, many continue to function exceptionally well on the surface. They go to work, manage appointments, prepare meals, support partners, care for children, pay bills and somehow keep everything moving. To the outside world they often appear capable, organised and resilient. Beneath the surface, however, many are quietly approaching burnout.

When Resilience Becomes a Burden

Resilience is generally viewed as something positive. We admire resilient people and praise them for their strength and determination. However, there comes a point when resilience can become a burden rather than a strength.

Sometimes resilience looks like continuing to push through circumstances that have become unsustainable. It sounds like telling yourself that you’ll rest later, that everyone is relying on you, or that you simply have to keep going. It can involve dismissing your own needs in order to meet the needs of everyone around you.

Many of the women I meet would be described as high functioning. Some experience what is often referred to as high-functioning anxiety. Others struggle with perfectionism or a constant need to remain in control. Underneath this drive is often a nervous system that feels overwhelmed, overloaded and unable to switch off.

One of the difficulties with resilience is that it can mask distress. The very quality that helps us survive difficult periods of life can sometimes stop us recognising when we need support ourselves.

The Cost of Always Coping

Over the years, I have noticed that resilient women rarely slow down gradually. More often, they stop suddenly.

Some reach a point where they can no longer continue working. Others stop looking after themselves but continue caring for everyone else. Many become physically unwell. Some become increasingly resentful of responsibilities they once managed without question. Others find themselves feeling cynical about relationships, friendships or family members.

Sometimes they become convinced that one particular issue is the source of all their difficulties. If their child received support, if they changed jobs, left a relationship, moved house, or distanced themselves from certain people, then everything would improve.

Of course, there are times when significant changes are needed. But often what I see is someone who has become so exhausted that they are desperately searching for a problem that feels solvable. When life feels overwhelming, identifying one thing to focus on can create a temporary sense of control.

You may have experienced this yourself. Have you ever become unwell during annual leave? Many people spend months running on adrenaline, meeting deadlines, caring for others and pushing through exhaustion. Then, as soon as they stop, their body finally has the opportunity to catch up.

My Own Experience

I recognise this pattern because I have lived it.

There was a period in my life when I realised that my own resilience had become a burden. I found myself physically unwell, emotionally exhausted and struggling to understand why. From my perspective, nothing had changed.

Looking back, I can see that wasn’t true at all.

At the time I was working full-time in a helping profession, managing a household, supporting a teenager who was struggling, caring for a toddler, managing life while my husband worked away, and looking after two dogs. Writing it down now, it feels obvious that I was carrying a huge amount. At the time, however, I barely acknowledged it.

Instead, I told myself what so many women tell themselves: that I just needed to keep going. That I could rest later. That the children needed me. That everyone depended on me.

The warning signs were there. I wasn’t sleeping properly. I was waking in the early hours thinking about work and home. I replayed conversations in my mind. I became irritable over small things and found myself withdrawing from family and friends. At one point I even convinced myself that my marriage must be falling apart.

What I know now is that overwhelm affects how we see the world. When we are exhausted, everything can start to feel like a problem.

The women I meet are not lacking resilience. Most have been resilient for far too long. Perhaps, before anything else changes, it starts with giving yourself permission to pause, take a breath, and check in with yourself honestly. Not with the part of you that keeps going, pushes through, and carries on regardless, but with the part of you that may have been quietly asking for your attention for quite some time. Instead of asking what everyone else needs from you, or what still needs doing, perhaps the most important question you could ask yourself today is: What do I need right now?

Perhaps it is rest.

Perhaps it is support.

Perhaps it is a boundary.

Perhaps it is simply permission to stop carrying quite so much on your own.

Whatever the answer, try to meet it with curiosity rather than criticism.

Before You Go…

If this blog resonated with you, perhaps that’s something worth paying attention to.

The women I meet are rarely lacking strength.

More often, they have spent so long being strong for everyone else that they have forgotten to ask what they need.

This week, instead of asking yourself what else you need to do, achieve, fix, or carry, try asking:

What would it look like to care for myself with the same compassion I offer everyone else?