Beyond the Circle: How Shifting Focus Can Soothe an Anxious Mind
A deeper dive into control, compassion, and calming the nervous system
If you’ve explored the Circles of Control and Influence before, you’ll know how powerful it can be to focus your energy on what you can actually affect. It’s a deceptively simple idea—but one that can transform how we relate to anxiety.
In this post, we’ll take that idea a step further. Because while identifying what’s within your control is a great start, how you relate to each circle—especially in moments of overwhelm—can make all the difference.
Anxiety and the Brain: Why Control Feels So Important
Anxiety thrives in uncertainty. When your nervous system senses a threat—whether it’s a tough conversation, a looming deadline, or a global crisis—it shifts into high alert. Your brain starts scanning for danger, trying to predict and prevent every possible outcome.
This is where the illusion of control can sneak in. We try to manage the unmanageable: other people’s reactions, the future, the past. But as psychologist Susan David reminds us, “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” Trying to control everything only fuels the anxiety loop.
Therapeutic approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourage us to shift focus: not to eliminate anxiety, but to act in alignment with our values—even when anxiety is present. This aligns beautifully with the Circle of Control model: we can’t control our thoughts or feelings, but we can choose how we respond to them.
From Control to Compassion
Here’s where we soften the model. Instead of using the circles to “fix” anxiety, we can use them as a compassionate guide:
- Circle of Control: What small, kind action can I take today?
- Circle of Influence: Who can I connect with or support, without needing to change them?
- Circle of Concern: What can I gently let go of—just for now—because it’s outside both my control and my influence?
This shift—from control to care—can be deeply regulating. It helps us move from a place of fear to one of grounded presence.
What the Research Says
Research supports this approach. Studies show that perceived control—the belief that we can influence our environment—plays a key role in reducing anxiety symptoms. But just as important is psychological flexibility—our ability to adapt, accept, and act in alignment with our values.
In other words, it’s not about controlling everything. It’s about knowing what matters, and choosing to act from that place—even when life feels uncertain.
A Practice to Try
Next time you feel anxious, try this:
- Name the worry
What’s on your mind? Be specific. - Place it in a circle
Is this something you can control, influence, or is it outside both? - Choose a response
- If it’s in your control—take a small step.
- If it’s in your influence—reach out or set a boundary.
- If it’s in your concern—breathe, and let it be.
- Offer yourself kindness
Anxiety isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. You’re human—and you care.
Final Thoughts
At Calm Together, we believe managing anxiety isn’t about becoming fearless—it’s about becoming more connected to what truly matters. The Circles of Control, Influence, and Concern offer a helpful map. But the real journey is learning to meet yourself with compassion, especially when the road feels uncertain.