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White‑Knuckle Years: A Therapist’s Reflection on Turbulence, Systems, and Finding Steadiness

There are seasons in life that shake us so deeply we can only make sense of them once the storm begins to settle. The last few years have been one of those seasons for me — a period of intensity, upheaval, and unexpected lessons that pulled me into deeper systemic reflection about who I am, how I cope, and what I’ve carried forward from the systems that shaped me. As the pace finally slows and space opens up, I’m able to look back with clarity rather than survival instinct, and it’s from that place that this reflection comes.

White‑Knuckle Years

The last few years have been an absolute roller coaster, and I don’t mean the Alton Towers kind (though those are terrifying in their own right). I’m talking about the white‑knuckle, hold‑onto‑your‑hat type of journey that shakes you so deeply you begin to question every choice that led you to this moment.

For a long stretch, I wasn’t reflecting. I was enduring/surviving.


I was moving from one crisis to the next, from one goal to another, with a kind of breathless urgency that left no room for pause. And as I look back now through a systemic lens — the way therapists examine patterns, relationships, and the ecosystems we move within — I can see that I wasn’t just navigating events. I was navigating inherited dynamics, learned roles, and long‑practiced survival strategies.

When “Holding On for Dear Life” Becomes a Lifestyle

In systemic therapy, we often look at how people become conditioned to live in permanent alert mode. Some families operate around instability, chaos, or emotional unpredictability, and over time, the nervous system stops expecting calm.

So when life hit turbulence these past few years, part of me slipped straight into familiar roles:

I made decisions from urgency, not intention.
Some were misaligned. Some were simply bad.
And yet, each one has taught me something vital about my own internal system.

Pausing Is a Skill (and One I Hadn’t Practised Much)

Recently, something has shifted.
There’s more space, not necessarily more ease, but more space.

Moments where I am not clinging on for survival, but actually lifting my head and noticing:

This didn’t happen because life suddenly became simple.
It happened because I started recognising patterns instead of getting swept away by them.

The People We Meet Along the Way Reveal Our Systems Too

Over these years, I met people who were steady, trustworthy, present, the kind who expand your capacity to breathe.

I also met people who were not.
The wolf‑in‑sheep’s‑clothing kind.
The ones whose charm masks chaos, who pull you into old relational patterns without you noticing.

Both types have been teachers.

In systemic work, we often say that every relationship is a mirror: some show you your wounds, others show you your worth.
Both matter. Both point you back to yourself.

Undoing, Re‑Doing, and Allowing Growth

There were choices I had to unmake — and that unmaking was its own journey.
It’s humbling to admit when something isn’t right for you.
It’s even more humbling to realise you knew it long before you said it out loud.

But in the undoing, I found clarity.
In the repairing (myself), I found resilience.
And through the turbulence, I found a steadiness I genuinely didn’t believe I would ever feel.

What I Want People to Know

If you’re in your own white‑knuckle season, here’s what I would offer:

This chapter of my life is still unfolding.
But for the first time in a long time, I’m not gripping the safety bar.
I’m breathing.
I’m noticing.
And I’m grounded, maybe not perfectly, but honestly.

And that’s enough.